


The Thrilling Avenger Hour: Gossip Squirrel

by stefwith1f



Series: The Thrilling Avenger Hour [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Beyond Belief, Crossover, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2018-01-04 13:32:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefwith1f/pseuds/stefwith1f
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thrilling conclusion to our series, in which positions are clarified, propositions are made, and yet more uninvited guests arrive unexpectedly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thrilling Avenger Hour: Gossip Squirrel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slodwick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slodwick/gifts).



SPOOKY HAL  
We last left the Doyles in their penthouse at the Plaza Hotel, where uninvited guests brought an invitation of their own … 

STEVE  
So. That's our pitch. 

FRANK  
Shouldn't we watch through the end of the credits? 

COULSON  
Why would you?  
That concludes our presentation. Thank you for your ... I guess this was you paying attention. 

SADIE  
I'll have you know I was facing the screen the _whole_ time. 

FRANK  
Yes, you can see quite easily through the bottom of a glass. 

COULSON  
Did you have any questions? Or thoughts? 

SADIE  
That last story, with Mr. Stark and that entirely made-up super-fellow? He did not seem _that_ interested in joining forces with you people _at all._

TONY  
He was resistant, true. But it turned out alright in the end - I was able to help. 

FRANK  
Really felt like he would have been fine, and you just swooped in for some glory-stealing and extraneous property damage. 

SADIE  
Could you be a dear and stop making that tapping sound, Agent Bartender? 

CLINT  
Barton. And it's not me, ma'am. 

SADIE  
Then pour me another and let’s see if we can make it go away _together._ Oh, Frank, I think I'm starting to get this teamwork thing! 

COULSON  
Now, all we're asking of you two is ... we'd like to be able to give you a call, if we need you. S.H.I.E.L.D. likes you guys. There'd be no commitment. 

FRANK  
Bold statement from the leader of the paramilitary squadron you've assembled in our living room. 

STEVE  
We promise, you'd have no obligation to _answer_ the phone. It wouldn't be a relationship. And if you're truly not interested, we won't take up any more of your time. 

SADIE  
Well, now, let's not be hasty. I was just thinking that I would not _entirely_ mind working with Agent Barton and his redheaded friend from the first story. 

FRANK  
I am now _also_ interested in this. 

SADIE  
We could work with either _or_ both of you. 

FRANK  
And our schedule is flexible. 

SADIE  
Oh, the _most_ flexible. The point is, you adorable men, you didn't need to go through all the trouble. 

FRANK  
You made the classic mistake of running a combination home invasion -slash- multimedia presentation when simply _asking_ would have done the job nicely.  
Also, that tapping noise _is_ beginning to annoy me. _Also_ also, it's now less of a tapping noise and more of a scratching noise.  
You're _sure_ it's not you, Agent Drinks? And if you could answer while _pouring_ , that'd be great. 

CLINT  
....Barton. And no. Still not me. 

SADIE  
We _do_ help people, you know. You could have simply remembered that. You _are_ people, after all. 

COULSON  
Mostly. 

FRANK  
Perfectly normal thing to say. 

STEVE  
Actually - I hear that noise, too. It's a skittering sound - is that the same one you two were hearing? 

FRANK  
It _is_ more of a skittering. 

COULSON  
This doesn't strike me as the sort of building that'd have a vermin problem. 

SADIE  
Oh, you'd be surprised. We've had all _sorts_ of trouble. Then again, you all got in here ... maybe you _wouldn't_ be surprised. 

[ACTUAL AUDIBLE-TO-US SQUIRREL NOISE SFX] 

TONY  
You guys got a pet squirrel? Little red fluffy guy? 

FRANK  
I don't know _where_ to begin pointing out the unlikelihoods in that sentence. 

SADIE  
Why, look at that! There _is_ a squirrel over by the -

[TREMENDOUS CRASH SFX] 

SADIE [CONT'D]  
\- where that china cabinet once was. 

FRANK  
S.H.I.E.L.D.'s reparative masonry bills must be _extraordinary_. 

THOR  
I apologize for my destructive entrance. I am Thor, of Asgard. 

SADIE  
I'm Sadie, of _here_ , and this is my lovely husband Frank. 

FRANK  
Hellooo. 

COULSON  
Heyyy buddy. You're not on this op. 

TONY  
You get antsy at HQ? No _way_ you already burned through all those video games. 

THOR  
I was not aware I would find you here, my friends. I have come to this place on official Asgardian business. 

COULSON  
...I don't like where this is going. 

FRANK  
Say, gigantic Nordic fellow: Asgard wouldn't happen to be missing a _squirrel_ , would it? 

THOR  
You have seen the squirrel I seek? 

FRANK  
Just so happens we've done a count, and turned up _one more squirrel_ than we were expecting. 

SADIE  
We were expecting zero squirrels, you see. 

FRANK  
None at all! 

THOR  
Where did you last see it? 

SADIE  
Right over - oh, he's run off. You must have frightened it away when you ... exploded our front door. 

COULSON  
We will of course fix that. 

FRANK  
Well, sure. When he's done with pest control, I'd task the guy holding a comically oversized hammer with the job. 

STEVE  
Tell us how we can help, Thor. Can you draw it out, make it turn into its true form, what? 

THOR  
Its true form _is_ as you have seen. It is Ratatoskr, who treads the world tree Yggdrasil, ferrying messages between the eagle above to the worm below. 

SADIE  
Oh, I will require ... so many more drinks for the rest of this. 

FRANK  
I'll walk you to the bar. 

SADIE  
Thank you, darling. Look, it's Agent Barton! Right where we left him. 

CLINT  
You really _can_ call me Clint, ma'am. 

SADIE  
Only if you stop calling me ma'am, Clint. 

FRANK  
Clint, we'll have refills on our drinks. Pour one for yourself, if you like. 

CLINT  
Well, Frank, I _would_ , but it's looking like I might have to put an arrow through a mystical rodent. 

COULSON  
Ok, so, your magic tree lost its information … runner. 

THOR  
Ratatoskr carries messages, but also lies, slander, and misinformation. 

TONY  
So if he's an annoying gossip, what's the rush to get him back? 

THOR  
He serves a purpose. An old purpose. Order must be maintained. 

TONY  
Not sure what I _expected_ the answer to be. 

SADIE  
Clint, is there a container of _peanuts_ down behind the bar? 

CLINT  
Uhh - yeah, right here. Here you go. 

FRANK  
Feeling a bit peckish, my love? 

SADIE  
Not quite. It just occurs to me that our guest might want a snack. 

CLINT  
Oh, no thank you. 

SADIE  
Not you, dear. I'll just shake a few of these out on the bar, here...

[SQUIRREL SFX] 

FRANK  
I went and married myself a genius. 

SADIE  
It's true, you've done _very_ well.  
Thor, was it? Is your squirrel friend _rabid_ by any chance? 

THOR  
We do not believe he has contracted any of the diseases to which his earth brethren are susceptible. Why do you ask? 

SADIE  
I just wanted to make sure it was safe before I pet his fluffy little head!

[CHITTERING SFX] 

THOR  
Take care, my lady. Ratatoskr thrives on the gossip of all nine realms. He will not be subdued with salty snacks and displays of physical affection. 

FRANK  
Oh! Then we'd better tell him about the _scandalous_ goings-on of the couple in 5A, as well! 

SADIE  
Ooh, good idea.  
[exaggerated whispering]

[CHITTERING SFX] 

SADIE [CONT'D]  
I _know_ , have you _ever_? 

THOR  
If I may... 

SADIE  
Of course. Goodbye, my fluffy little friend! 

FRANK  
Never come back! 

THOR  
Come, Ratatoskr. Let us return you to your eternal task.  
My apologies again for the intrusion. 

SADIE  
No need to apologize, you enormous, gorgeous man. 

FRANK  
Just call first next time. And then use the actual door. 

SADIE  
Why, you can practice now! 

FRANK  
As you leave! 

TONY  
Coulson, did we ... plant a tiny mythological creature in their apartment as the final act of our "See How We Can Work Together"-trilogy? 

STEVE  
We've done worse things to inspire teamwork. 

COULSON  
Yeah, you don't actually have to remind me. 

CLINT  
So... 

COULSON  
No, that ... that just _happened_. 

SADIE  
 _We're_ not terribly shocked. 

FRANK  
In fact, that sort of thing happening to us _all the time_ is rather why you're all here in the first place, if you think about it. 

STEVE  
I suppose it is. You know, I have to say ... you're both quite impressive. 

SADIE  
Captain Rogers, I'll ask you not to make my husband blush like that. I promise you I'm as territorial as I am impressive. 

COULSON  
We'll be in touch. 

TONY  
You two throw a swell party. 

CLINT  
Someone will be by to fix the front door and ... the whole ... wall area ... within the hour. 

FRANK  
Wonderful, more strangers in our home! 

CLINT  
I can come along. Supervise.  
Actually, Natasha will be back in town any minute – we can both come. 

SADIE  
That's a _wonderful_ idea. Isn't that a wonderful idea, Frank? 

FRANK  
You're by far the best bartender we never hired.  
And if we had a door, here's where it would make a noise as it closed behind you. Good bye! 

SADIE  
Good bye! 

FRANK  
Well, that was a strange evening. 

SADIE  
It _was_ unusual. We watched those terrible films. 

FRANK  
We had a party thrown _at_ us. We met a god! 

SADIE  
I pet a squirrel! 

FRANK  
There's a chance we accepted a job offer. 

SADIE  
Oh, no. That doesn't sound like something we'd do. 

FRANK  
We'll have to ask our new friend when he returns. 

SADIE  
After he makes us more drinks. 

FRANK  
Until then, allow me, my dear. 

[DRINKS POURING SFX] 

SADIE  
My _hero._

[CLINK!]

**Author's Note:**

> This concludes our four-part series, brought to you by the WorkJuice Corporation and Patriot Brand Cigarettes. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed your four weeks of birthday, Slodwick. Next year I'm just getting you a card.


End file.
